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| i gained about 10 pounds 
i went from a size 0 to size 2 which is now a but snuggly too.
so im going to start my diet today
in the past i find that if i record everything i eat down, i become more aware of what i eat.
and also. i must think of this as a lifestyle not a diet
i want to live in a more healthy way, therefore this will not be temporary.
once i see results i will not go back eating junk food everyday.
i will treat myself with a glass of wine or a scoop of ice cream from time to time.
but honestly, the way i have lived the past few months (summer vacation) has been nothing but unhealthy.
so wish me luck!
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| in the past two weeks i went shopping almost everyday. and almost every time i have bought something.
first i was numb
now im using distraction
I drug myself in some way every day to forget how much I loved you
and to forgive myself for not being able to forgive you.
i never wanted to feel like this ever again.
and yet here i am.
the first thought when i wake up is you
the last thing i think about before wiping my tears away to sleep is you.
I can't pass by a spot where we use to be without thinking about you.
I can't listen to a song we use to sing to without having you cross my mind.
I can't hold lamb without seeing a trace of pookie.
It was silly of me asking you to promise to never let go.
everyone has a limit. i just kept on pushing it.
this is the last time i will ever post something about you..
enjoy it.
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| I'm currently reading: The secret life of bees.
there are passages i truly love, because once upon a time its the feeling I felt.
so reading it now it seems so familiar.
I love a good book. im always impressed with the fact that the author is able to remember the feeling we long forget and then put it in words.
what it felt like to be attracted to an opposite sex for the first time.
first kiss
first love
what it felt like to discover something new at the age of six
what it must felt like when we came upon an incredibly beautiful opponent.
when the weather turns hot the flowers dry up, the bees start sucking elderberry. It makes a purple honey. Here, the main character Zach dips his finger into the honey jar...
"He dipped his finger into the comb and, lifting my veil, brough it close to my lips. I opened my mouth, let his finger slide in, sucking it clean. Te sheerest smile brushed his lips, and heat rushed up my body. He bent toward me. I wanted him to lift back my veil and kiss me, and I knew he wanted to do it, too, by the way he fixed his eyes on mine. We stayed like that while bees swirled around our heads with a sound like sizzling bacon, a sound that no longer registered as danger. Danger, I realized was a thing you got used to."
"I'd thought the whole thing was about my lost future, the one Mrs. Henry encouraged me to believe in by plying me with books and summer reading lists and big talk about scholarships to Columbia College, but sitting there close to Zach, I knew I was crying because he had that one-side dimple i loved, because everytime i looked at him i got a hot, funny feeling that circulated from my waist to my kneecaps, because I'd been going along being my normal girl self and the next thing I knew I'd passed through a membrane into a place of desperation. I was crying, I realized, for Zach."
"I threw my arms around him and leaned into his chest. He made a sound like Whoa, but after a second his arms folded around me, and we stayed like that, in a true embrace. He moved his hands up and down my back, till I was almost dizzy. Finally he unwound my arms and said,:Lily, I like you better than any girl I've ever known, but you have to understand, there are people who would kill boys like me for even looking at girls like you:. I couldn't restrain myself from touching his face, the place where his dimple caved into his skin.: I'm sorry:. I said. :Yeah Me, too.:he said."
Lily is white
Zach is African America. | | |
| little me
i use to get so much joy just from the smell of the lawn after it rained.
happily sucking on my pop stickle while soaking up the sun.
wiggling my toes to tease the puppy which laid next to me. it bit it eventually but it tickled more than hurt.
i... can't seem to find a trace of what that felt like.
i'm under so much stress lately i feel like i might never get up again if i stopped moving.
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| i wish i could feel like the spring sun that just got washed by the rain. refreshed.
its about 9:00pm, and i am home. i don't remember the last time being home this early.
i have been running away from this house, a place where i think mother really knows how i feel.
i hate being seeing through.
i am not up for pity.
smile with me.
help me laugh.
i'm not ready to sit down and think about everything that's happened, or what is happening.
i just want to run at full speed and stop when my body can't take any more of it.
"it's like he’s driving in a car, okay, and I just wanna be in the passenger seat, but he’s locked the door and I have to hold onto the bumper. You know, I’m not even asking him to open the door for me, just leave it unlocked and say come in. But no, he didn’t do that. So I’m hanging onto the bumper and life goes on and the car goes on and I get really badly bruised and am hitting poles and it hurts. I mean it really hurts. And yesterday, I had to let go of the bumper because it hurts too much .. it hurts too much."
who does that remind me of?
"i'd rather see you once a year than someone else seven days a week."
and that
"look, I don’t know if there’s only one person on the planet you’re supposed to be with but when we’re together, it sure feels that way."
sigh*
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